So this morning, I woke up at 6 and decided fuck it, I'd get to work ridiculously early.

Before 8 AM, you have to use your keycard to get up and down the elevators in my office building, and your keycard is coded to your specific floor (except for the first floor, which is the ground floor).

I got on the elevator and pushed the button for the 6th floor. Elevator wouldn't accept it. It took me to the second floor and just stopped.

So I went down to the first floor and tried to get on a different elevator.


We have four god damn mother fucking elevators in this building. THAT ONE WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT WOULD COME.

For FIFTEEN MINUTES, I tried to get another elevator. One guy was going to the fourth floor, and HE managed to get it to work.

Finally another guy came, and he was going to the 7th floor, so I hopped on with him and tried to take the stairs down to the 6th floor.

The door from the stairs to the 6th floor was locked. I tried all my keys, but none of them would open the door.

I saw that there was a button - push, alarm will sound for 15 seconds, and you can open the door. I pushed, and while the alarm was sounding, tried to open the door.

Still locked.


So I went down the stairs to the first floor. Except the door to the first floor WAS FUCKING LOCKED TOO.


Visions of being trapped in this goddamn staircase danced in my head. I didn't have a cellphone, and even if I did, I didn't have the building manager's number saved on it. I would have to go back to the 6th floor, hope that I could still get on to my job's wireless, and send one of my coworkers an email saying "When you get in, can you open the door to the staircase? I'm trapped." And then wait an hour and a half until someone arrived.


I climbed back up to the 6th floor. Out of desperation, I tried again.


And the door was unlocked.


Whatever higher power is laughing at me right now, you can cut it the fuck out.


Or grab me a Coke and let me laugh with you. Like, what the fuck is that.


The lesson, ladies and gentlemen, is that you should never randomly decide to arrive at work two and a half hours earlier than you're scheduled.